Monday, November 28, 2011

Nursery Rhymes or Nightmare Rhymes?

Travelling in the car with my little nephew, my sister popped one of his cd's into the player. It was a choir of children (or rather adults singing in what they thought to be cute children's voices but instead sounded like something out of children of the corn) some much loved children's classics. It started with (for those of you old enough to remember the strange little blue hound dog with the southern drawl) Huckleberry Hound's old favourite "Clementine". You know the one - "Oh my darlin', oh my darlin' oh my daaaaarlin' Clementine".

As I listened it struck me that, apart from "oh my darlin", I had never really listened to the lyrics and had no idea what the song was about. Turns out the song is about a reclusive miner who lived, in a cavern, in a canyon, with his daughters, where he would while about his days excavating the rocks daily, trying to strike it rich. Somehow the travelling gentleman singing the song happens to find one of his daughters - the lovely Clementine. Instead of saving her from this pointless existence, he seems to fall under the same crazy spell as the father and they stay on in the same cavern (did I mention it's located within a canyon?). I guess one cannot expect too much from a drifter who happens across a family living in a hole in the wall of a canyon. Soon after tragedy strikes.

Despite apparently living near a large body of water all her life, with which she developed a strong affinity whilst playing with the ducks, the miner never took the time out from his gruelling schedule of chipping away at rocks, to teach his daughter to swim. When playing with her ducks one day, she "slipped", fell in and drowned. The husband (who is singing the song) is very shaken up about it, as a matter of fact he is "awful sorry". Thankfully he pulled through and got over it rather quickly as he went on to "kiss her little sister".

To sum things up this poor Clementine was raised in an obscure cavern in a canyon in what one can only assume was a Fritzel-esque existence until, despite the odds being stacked against her, she meets and falls in love with her knight in shining armour (who was really a drifter in dirty anorak however she didn't know any better). He then turns around and stays in the rock and, I suspect, pushed her into the water where she met her maker, all so he could get it on with her little sister.

Hardly a story for children now is it? It got me thinking about what other insidious lessons we are subconsciously teaching our children in the guise of nursery rhymes. I was horrified with the results:

"As I was going to St.Ives"


As I was going to St. Ives I met a man
with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks, each sack
had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits: kits, cats,
sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?


This is a particularly nasty piece is about an oppresive bigamist who seems to take strange delight in torturing and killing cats. The traveler should count himself lucky he survived to write about this strange encounter.

"Georgie Porgie"

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away


About a rapist, with an obvious weight problem, who gets away with his crimes by fleeing the state.

"Goosie Goosie Gander"

Goosey goosey gander where shall I wander,
Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber
There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs


A homicidal maniac breaks into a home at night, looking for the lady of the house, instead he finds a lovely old christian gentleman with some sort of speech impediment, attempting to say his nightly prayers. This finding sends him into such a rage he hurls the gentleman down the stairs by his left leg. His left leg?? Really, who throws a leg?

"Hey Diddle Diddle"

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the dish ran away with the spoon!


Now here's a real fun one, obviously created in the 60's where drugs and revolution were in the air however it's not something I think should be raised with children - a cow tripping on acid while his stoned canine companion watches on, set against the backdrop of an inter-racial couple eloping as they can no longer take the abuse and vilification their love conjures in their small hometown .

"Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well!


A fellow named Peter who's penchant for pumpkins has finally sent his wife over the edge. When she understandably requests a divorce, he locks her away in a pumpkin shell, of all places. If you have ever smelt a decaying pumpkin days after Halloween, you will know this would not have been a pleasant existence whatsoever.

"Rock-A-Bye Baby"

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all


Ok, this is a tricky one. Who's to blame? The mentally imbalanced parents who placed their baby on top of a tree in the first place, or the system that allowed these parents to keep their child. Surely this was not their first indiscretion, yet DOCS have made no effort to place the child in foster care. Shame on you DOCS, shame.

"The Grand Old Duke Of York"

The grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
When they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down
And when they were only halfway up
They were neither up nor down


Whilst he may have been a brilliant military strategist in his prime, the poor old Duke appears to have lost control of his mental faculties. He takes his whole battalion out of the city and then can't even remember where he is going, resulting in pointless marches up and down the same mountain. His men are just as stupid though for so blindly following his directions. Surely someone could have pointed out they were running out of food, their legs were tired, that they had been on the same mountain now for 2 weeks and no one knew whether they were at the top, bottom or in the middle. In the meantime, with his city's entire battalion out on this training exercise, they were raided and the city burned.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Re-Instalment

The people demanded it and now the people have got it. Bailey’s blog of musings is back. For my first re-instalment though I will be venturing slightly off my normal formula to speak about something a little closer to me.  As many of you will already know, I lost my Dad a touch over a month ago now.  It’s the first time in my life really that I have had to deal with the loss of someone so close to me. It’s a very strange thing.

I gained a lot of things from my father. These big broad shoulders that send the ladies swooning being one. My inability to grow any hair on the top of my head (which, conversely, sends the ladies running) is another.  More than that though, He has helped to shape the person that I am. We all carry so much of our loved ones inside us. They have helped to shape the way we act, think and feel in many situations. To that end, they live on in us all.

When I was younger Dad would take me and my little sister on what we called “bike adventures”. We would jump on our bikes and take off to destinations unknown.  In reality the longest  we would go would be the sandhills, which were only a couple of blocks away, but to me and my sister we were crossing oceans, climbing mountains and overcoming all other manner of obstacles on the way. Despite the “dangers” we faced I don’t ever remember feeling scared and that was because Dad was there to look after us. Indeed on one adventure he even saved me from a horse I was patting that decided to bite me, by delivering a short straight right hand into the horse’s jaw. I escaped with little more than some teeth marks. He would always be there to look after us and protect us.

I’m now a fully grown and slightly mature man who is more than capable of punching a gift horse in the mouth himself but losing dad does send me back a little to that child long ago who would look to him for guidance and protection. I guess it’s just the knowledge that he isn’t there anymore in person if I need him but like I said above, I know that part of him is still there inside me. He doesn’t die when he leaves this earth; he only dies when we all go - everyone that he has touched in this world he has left his little mark on them, helped to shape the person they are even if in only the smallest of ways.

Dad you will be always loved and never forgotten.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

http://sanyasweetsomethings.blogspot.com/

I have to admit, when it was first proposed by the sizzling Serbian amateur chef Sanja for a cross collaboration of efforts on my Blog with "Sanya's Sweet Somethings" my belly lit up. I'd just like to put it out there now that I am more than happy to review any and all food on my blog. Any amateur chefs out there, get out your long thing with the flat end, your frying thingamajibs and whatever else is required for cooking (please excuse my ignorance, my cooking utensils are restricted to a can opener, toaster and loads of baked beans) and I shall partake in whatever delicacy you may invent and give it a review on here for me, you and the fake follower I invented to make it look like people actually read the tripe I dribble.

The date for the tasting was set as February 14th. Valentine's Day. This date was set by Sanja as she was baking a lemon lime cheesecake for her father's birthday, which happened to conveniently coincide with Valentine’s Day.

I saw straight through Sanja's thinly veiled attempt to win over my heart via my stomach.

She would not be the first temptress, and I'm sure not the last, attempting to seduce me with a slow digestation of sweet, sensual, sugary delights.

Being the glutton that I am however, I embraced the opportunity for this cheesecake with open arms and mouth. After starving myself on Monday morning in preparation for my morning tea I arrived to work only to find the tasting had been postponed.

Not a good start.

Apparently Sanja was reluctant to cut the cake before her father had been able to sample it for his "birthday". Excellent ruse and full credit goes to her for coming up with this cunning strategy to try and further hide the ulterior motive lurking behind the gesture however I, once again, saw straight through this ruse.

I had no option to delay my tasting until Tuesday. Let me just say now, it was worth the wait. The smell of lemon wafting through my nostrils was extremely tantalising and my goodness the look was delicious.

The cake also smelled and looked good.



My first bite had me forgetting for the moment the reason I was getting to eat cake. In fact, I almost forgot my own name as the sweet lemon lime cheesecake mixed so perfectly with the crumble base as it danced around my tastebuds.

Each ingredient complemented the other perfectly without trying to be the centre of attention itself.

The second bite was almost better than the first and I started to move more and more of the cake into my mouth. I couldn’t get it in fast enough; crumbs flew about my desk and infiltrated my keyboard (where they still sit). A large dollop of cake escaped from my gnashing jaws and landed serenely on the front of my freshly washed white work shirt but I didn't care. More and more of the cake I ate and savoured until there was but one bite left. It was at this point I looked up, a little flustered and breathing somewhat heavily, cheesecake plastered around my mouth and a small bit of drool languishing slyly from the side of my mouth, to find all eyes in the office upon me.

I retrieved my fork from the floor where it had landed during my flurry, ate the final piece politely, dabbed at the sides of my mouth with a tissue and excused myself as I retreated to the bathroom to clean myself up.

I returned an hour later, quite composed, thanked Sanja for the cheesecake and returned her Tupperware.

I could see she wanted a response so I thought it only fair to inform her that I saw through her ruse the entire time and, initially at least, was selfishly using her for free cheesecake. I also told her how something had happened to me at some point between the 2nd and 3rd bite that I had never felt before. It was love. True love that no man can deny. I had fallen head over heels for her cheesecake and I would make her wildest dreams come true by marrying her, only if she promised to make me at least one cheesecake every week, for the rest of her life.

I could see by the look in her eyes she was taken aback by the frank and beautiful opening up of my heart. It was a lot for her to take in, what with the man of her dreams offering to marry her and all, so I gave her some time to process this momentous moment in her young life and returned to my desk.

The love story of this entry is not over yet - we are currently in couples counselling. Well that is to say I am currently taking a forced leave of absence from work and undergoing counselling after mediation with Sanja and our HR manager at work deemed me to be "delusional" and a "possible safety risk to others". Pfft. Who isn't I say!

Whilst my cheesecake and I are going through our problems you can attempt to bake this cheesecake that has made me delusionally happy at http://sanyasweetsomethings.blogspot.com/

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 7 - Lessons Learned

I did it. 7 Full days without Facebook. I have a delicious steak dinner and a back scratch coming my way.

Although I do like to joke about my facebook usage I never realised just how much I am actually on facebook until I couldn't go on it anymore. My fingers continually tried to thwart my efforts by typing in facebook without my express consent however I was luckily able to stop them before they logged me in.

My one and only weakness was targeted too with promises of boob shots in my inbox when I logged in. These turned out to be false and hurtful lies. There have been many things done in my life in the aid of and promise to see boobs however I again resisted the urge and finished victorious.

So what did I learn in my time sans facebook?

 - Status updates only work as status updates. Walking around telling people random thoughts or song lyrics will get you looked at strangely

 - Stalking is fine in facebook but will get you arrested in real life

 - I am completely addicted to facebook

 - It's alot easier to make friends on facebook than in real life

 - It's a lot easier to de-friend someone on facebook than real life

 - Without facebook my phone bill skyrockets

 - I could live without facebook but not without porn

 - Facebook takes up the vast majority of my working day

 - I facebook therefore I am

 - I will do anything for a steak and a backscratch

 - Work is nowhere near as busy as I thought it was when using facebook

 - I am not alone in my addiction

 - People really don't care whether I'm on facebook or not

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 5 - Reconnecting

Ahhhhh, such a lovely day. Seeing as though my normal routine of getting up, eating some breakfast whilst poring over facebook, updating my status and going through other peoples photos wasn't allowed, I decided it was time I got back into life and reconnected with the world outside.

So I went and purchased a street map, binoculars grabbed my camera and some post it notes and embarked on my quest to do some real life facebooking.

Heading down the street there was a couple in front of me blissfully walking hand in hand. I took a photo of each of them then wrote onto two of my post it notes "in a relationship" and secretly pasted the post it notes onto their bags.

Ahhhhh, what a relief, my first bit of facebooking in almost a week. The sweet rush of my first real life facebook did not last long however and I soon found myself needing another hit when bingo! I was sitting at a cafe eating my breakfast when the fellow on the table next to me made a pretty funny comment about the current state of the NSW government. Quick as a flash I had my post it note out where I wrote "Like" in big bold letters followed by a crude depiction of a thumbs up, popped it down on their table and promptly exited the building. Another win!

I could feel the previously suppressed dark grip of addiction working its way back inside me once again and I needed more more more! This newsfeeding business was no longer enough. I needed some photos and stalking so I made my way to a girls place of whom I had become recently acquainted and sat out the front with my street map, binoculars and camera.

Leering through my binoculars I was able to determine she was indeed home and checked her into this location with my street map. Half an hour later she exited and, to my great delight, hit the beach. After checking her into this location on my street map I set about facestalking the rest of the bronzed bodies on the stretch of sand and taking photos. As I did not know their real names I had to settle for mentally tagging them in their photos.

I was just tagging and filing away "Bottle blonde with fakies" next to “fat guy with lots of money” when I noticed a solitary figure sitting by herself crying. It was the young lass from earlier in the day that had previously been so blissfully happy as she strode hand in hand with her young boyfriend. It was obvious the relationship was no more so, in true facebook fashion, I set about trying to take full advantage of the situation.

Armed only with my post it notes and a texta I ventured over to the young lass and place and placed an "it's complicated" post it on her towel.

"Are you alright?" I offered.

"Yes" came the meek reply between howling sobs.

It was clear this situation was more than just complicated and felt I had to update this so I placed a "moved from It's complicated to single" post it and sat myself down ready to make my move.

It was at this point I found myself surrounded by a sea of blue uniforms. Apparently the girl I had been face/real life stalking didn't appreciate my efforts. The police were rather concerned about the photos they had found on my camera and the fact I had tracked and marked this girl's movements in a street map that I had no good reason for carrying.

"John just checked into Waverly Police Station"

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 2 & 3 - Your invading MySpace

Days 2 & 3 of my 7 day facebook free journey were much the same as the first. A few shakes upon wakening, many near logins throughout the day thanks to, what I describe as, manual finger dext-memory, some more threats and temptations from the instigator but thankfully no breaks in the challenge.

I have found I have been using my phone an inordinate amount - for someone who does not normally exceed his monthly $150 limit I have gone through almost a third of that in 3 days, mainly on texts.

At one point on Friday I thought I may try to fallback onto my first foray into the social networking scene by going back to MySpace. After a few attempts at trying to remember my logins and answering some secret questions I found myself connected once more to the outside world.

Sort of.

MySpace may have been around first however it has certainly not kicked on and it has amended itself to try and be more like facebook now. Reminds me of some brothers I went to school with. The older one was somewhat of a goose, very awkward and unlikable without many friends whilst the younger brother was a pretty cool guy doing mostly normal stuff. The big bro at times even tried attempting to be like him. It didn't work then and it hasn't worked for MySpace.

So my facebook craving went unfulfilled although I have found it is easier getting by without now. Baby steps, one day at a time. Each day I remain clean from the object of my addiction is a victory.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day One

If gaming is the heroin of cyber space then facebook is the cocaine. Fun, trendy, readily available, you need a fix every half an hour and while you are on it you feel that everything that comes out of your mouth is of the utmost importance to the world.

My first day without facebook has been, well, tough. I awoke with the shakes as I fought the withdrawal symptoms. Logging into my work computer in the morning my fingers automatically typed in facebook. Only through the grace of God did I avert catastrophe and not log in.

I feel strangely disconnected from the world. Where is everyone?? What are you all doing and thinking?? I want to know who is sitting on their lounge eating Doritos, who is getting a drink, who is scratching their ass. Has anyone got engaged or broken up?

There was one point throughout the day I had dealings with a client who had a sexy phone voice so, as per my usual modus operandi, I again turned to facebook to look her up. Again, I remembered at the last minute and avoided logging in. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

On top of the normal withdrawals and cravings I was also advised by the evil person who instigated this facebook abandonment in the first place that people had posted on my wall offers of pictures of boobs if I broke and came back online. Whether this is true or not is not the point, the point is my one weakness is known. Boobs are my kryptonite!!

On a plus side I did manage to get through an inordinate amount of work and read the entire news.com.au site over twice.

I’m off to bed now to avoid further pangs of withdrawal as my body finds it has no facebook left inside it and really starts to shut down.

Does anyone know of where I can perhaps purchase a facebook patch I could wear on my shoulder or even where I could hire a troupe of dancers dressed in 70's squash outfits to follow me around singing "No Bailey, no. No Bailey, no. Nooooooooo Bailey"?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Challenge

Mark the date 2/2/2011 in your calander as it is the day the great social networking phenomenon facebook was almost brought to its knees as its most popular member embarked on a challenge of titanical proportions. Years from now this day will still burn brightly in your memory.

Starting midnight 2/2/2011 I am not allowed to login to facebook, nor am I able to have someone log in for me. I am not allowed to have someone change my password on me so I can't login, I have to use my willpower to abstain from logging in. A certain person can phone me at any point and I have to listen to her chatting to her friends on facebook or she can torture me by hinting at things that may or may not be on my wall and require instant attention. This continues for 7 days. 168 hours. 10080 minutes. 604,800 seconds.

Not hard you may say? Well for someone who is almost constantly on facebook and whose fingers will often, of their own accord, type in facebook rather than the site I actually want to go to, this is a real challenge.

Why did I agree to this stupid wager? I'm not going to know what to do with myself - I am going to have to engage in actual conversations again. Maybe ring people instead of facebooking them. I know one thing for sure - stocks in internet porn are about to go up. If I have a random thought I am going to have to ring 50 people up to tell them. Thank god for the text to many option on phones these days so I can fill you all in when I remember a funny line from a movie.

As for stalking, well I bought myself a new zoom lens and some infra red binoculars last night though I am a little afraid that once I start real stalking, facestalking just isn't going to cut it anymore. Prior to facebook I would never have thought of stalking through someone's photos, now I do it all the time. What if the same thing happens? What if I find that, instead of looking through a photo album titled "beach" for some bikini shots, I need to rifle through undies draws. Instead of perusing an album called "new hair do" I need to carry around scissors to snip and sniff the real stuff?

Only time (at the time of writing this exactly 9,578 minutes) will tell.

So what do I get out of this, if successful? A nice steak meal and the world's longest backscratch that is sure to have me purring like a walrus. Fair deal? I'm not so sure.

So I bid fare the well to my few faithful facebook followers. I shall see you in 9,577 minutes (although I shall endeavour to update daily as to my progress).

Also, please leave comments on here rather than facebook to allow me the illusion of friends and connectivity.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You can stand under my coachella-ella-ella-ella

Ahhh Coachella. I shall be popping my cherry this year at what is arguably the best music festival in the world today. 3 days of desert fun, sun, beers and music. I am also celebrating my favourite (and only) niece's 21st which is fantastic for her as she will have her favourite (but not only) uncle in a munted state sleazing all over her young friends.

The sleazy uncle, however, is not the only character that will be appearing during Coachella - The "Urban Irwin" shall also be making his debut at Coachella as he delves into the behavioural nuances and mating habits of festival goers, getting up close and personal and even aiming to tag a few for conservational purposes.

Unfortunately I, like so many of the faithful lazy, procrastinated myself out of a camping pass, so I wish to put it out there to all and sundry that may have space in their tent or car camping for three Aussie lads obviously coming all the way from Australia for this fine event. We would really like to push ourselves into someone’s camp site.

We can offer nothing in the way of camping skills or equipment whatsoever. We will have a car and can give you a ride from LA or nearby surrounds. We will have money and we are extremely good looking*. I can wiggle my ears, Thisso can juggle and Storesy, well, he will be there too.
* "Extremely good looking" does not necessarily mean extremely good looking

We are willing to offer cash, sexual favours or organ donations for room on a campsite!

We can guarantee we will enhance your Coachella experience and teach you a great deal about Australian culture. If learning about Australian culture is not your thing then that's cool, cause that part was a lie.

Any past participants please offer suggestions or tips for things to do whilst there and even some tips for if we miss out on camping passes.

My to-do list thus far looks like this:

1. Get nude

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Emergency Australian Homesickness Repair Kit

Some of you may have already seen this little gem I came up with but I thought I would share it over my blog so you can send to your friends and families overseas who, at this time, may be feeling those pangs in the cockal or sub-cockal region of their hearts for their good ol' home country.

I actually sent it to a friend as a christmas present as she had recently departed our shores but alas I feel she may not have appreciated my genius so rather than let this (and i'm not exaggerating when I say this) world changing idea go to waste I present to you my Emergency Australian Homesickness Repair Kit.......


EMERGENCY AUSTRALIAN HOMESICKNESS REPAIR KIT

Contents:
1.     Pure Australian sunshine captured from the crisp clean sun found in Sydney’s Royal National Park
2.     Pure Australian air captured from the refined and sweet smelling surrounds of Queensland’s Sunshine Coast
3.     Collection of sea shells farmed from various pristine beaches along Australia’s East Coast from Far North Queensland to NSW South Coast
4.     One jar of vegemite
5.     One Australiana CD containing the hits Land downunder, True blue, I still call Australia home, Tie me kangaroo down sport, Great southern land, Home among the gum trees, Sounds of then (This is Australia), Waltzing Matilda and of course Advance Australia Fair
6.     Packaged in 100% biodegradable Domino’s pizza box, vegemite jars & cling wrap


In case of severe homesickness follow these instructions:
1.     Clear area in room so there are no foreign objects within a 5m radius
2.     Place CD in CD player
3.     Open shell jar and scatter shells on floor
4.     Open air And inhale large amount
5.     Dim lights then open jar of Aussie sunshine (only a small amount is required, high doses have been known to cause sunstroke and skin cancer)
6.     Bask in your now synthetically arranged Australian setting until homesickness symptoms have abated

WARNING: These conditions regularly attract drop bears so it is advisable once homesickness has abated apply large amounts of vegemite to your face to repel said creatures. A jar has been provided for this purpose

And it looks a little something like this....


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Where are they now?

Have you ever wondered what happened to those lovable cartoon characters you grew up watching for so many hours of a Saturday morning??

Well I did, so I went out and did a little research to find out just what happened to those animated stars of the 80's and 90's......

Gargamel - gave up on his idea of turning smurfs into gold and focused on business instead. He is now running a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing. Occasionally he will go back to his old ways attempting to turn one of his child workers into gold with disastrous but hilarious results.

Thundercats - These weird creatures, the result of some very unholy matings between humans and felines, started their own very successful TV show based in New York called Sex and the Kitty.

Kung Phooey - Is now working in a Vietnamese bakery in Cabramatta.

Fat Albert - Is no longer Fat Albert. He got to the gym after his second heart attack, dropped 250 pounds and is now rapping under the pseudonym Kanye West

Captain Caveman - Starred in his own reality TV show - "Find the caveman a wife". As a result he is now awaiting sentencing for the clubbing death of several c-list celebrities.

He-Man - Has now shaved his head and is working with Macquarie in their Wrap Adviser Services section.

Skeletor - Was plucked from obscurity in a mall in Eternia by a passing model scout and is now adorning the catwalks of Milan as a runway model.

Brainy Smurf - Found his inner calling as a Jehovah's Witness and is now collecting door to door for this fine establishment.

Smurfette - Is running her own fortune 500 company. In an interview with Time Magazine for her woman of the year award she attributed her enormous success to living in a male dominated environment for so long. She owns the sweatshop Gargamel runs and employs several of her smurf buddies as assistants so she can order them around.

Care Bears - Decided to get into music and formed a band called Human Nature

Danger Mouse - Is still fighting danger at the retirement home he is housed in at Northern London, which he shares with his lover, Ernest Penfold.

Rainbow Brite - The legend lives on - this acid taking princess is still living in her own macabre world of drugs, ponies and rainbows. You can often see her dancing at various festivals and raves throughout the world.

Strawberry Shortcake - Moved to LA to recognise her dream of starting her own cooking show but ended up starring in animal porn. She is now known as Strawberry Horsecake.

George Jetson - Is currently serving 5 years for spousal abuse at Longstar correctional facility. Coincidently this is where the Spacely's Sprockets runs their gaol rehabilitation work programme.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it - do you feel fine?

Hundreds of fish washing up on the beach, birds falling from the sky, Catastrophic flooding in Queensland and Brazil, Warnie's show has been cancelled......can it be any clearer?? Make no mistake people, the end of the world is nigh!!

The old man with the A-Frame sign that used to stand on the Princes Highway was right (albeit a little early).

So how are you going to celebrate your final hours on this Earth?

Firstly I would spend a few hours at work thinking about it instead of working whilst checking my Facebook constantly, then waste some more work time writing it into my blog then I would, in no particular order:

 - Find anyone who has ever done a facebook status update that read such and such is brushing their teeth, such and such is washing their hair or other such similar posts and fire two rounds of a .22 calibre bullet into each knee

 - Sell my nude pictures of Nick Riewoldt

 - Go to Nokia and find out how to make a simple phone call from my phone (although I am aware it tells me the tides currently in Somalia)

 - Go to Somalia at high tide and look for pirates

 - Finally reveal that I am the Stig

 - Find Steven Macklin and get the 50c he owes me from year 1

 - Pay back Nicole O'Donovan the 50c I owe her from Year 2

 - Text my family how much I love them while they arre sitting in the room next to me

 - Burn all my clothes and spend the remaining time wandering around as God intended - naked and freezing. This last one requires some precise timing as, if the world did not end immediately but say took another 6 months, it would be rather awkward for everyone involved.

What would you do??

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bailey's theory of evolution - The origin of stupidity

Continuing on my previous post where I offered my extraordinarily insightful theory into perspective I thought I would delve into something a little more scientific - Evolution.

For the most part I think evolution seems to fit. I am a living example. When we were monkeys we required hair across our entire body to help protect against the elements. As we evolved and created clothes to assist us in this protective measure, our need for hair everywhere dissipated and so the hair slowly started coming off. One of the last bastions of this needless hair is left atop our heads however, for some of us further evolved individuals, this spot too has started shedding as we move onto the next step of human evolution.

The gaping hole in evolutionary theory, as I see it, is stupidity. Surely this flaw should have been eradicated from our gene pool long ago but no, stupidity is still running rife and this is evident everywhere.

We all like to think of stupidity as being a problem of the more disadvantaged amongst us - those people whose "work" uniform is an adidas tracksuit and bum bag with "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed across their knuckles but Paris Hilton proves this is not the case. She proves wealth and privilege, do not buy brains, common sense or even class for that matter.

But Paris is not the problem here. The fact I know who this dim witted princess is, is the problem. It proves people, as a whole, are just as stupid as her and each other. She has no discernable talents or redeeming qualities yet she seems to grace our media on almost a daily basis - people seem to love reading about her.

I can't blame Paris for this. It's not her fault and it's not isolated to just her - there's loads of TV shows and stupidity out there and we, as stupid consumers, eat this up. I believe the same people that are responsible for giving Today Tonight a viewing market are the same people that will put their umbrella up before checking behind them and you get hit in the eye. Those who settle in and watch Minute to Win It are the same folk that take 25 minutes to withdraw $20 from the ATM.

So I, in my capacity as the next step in human evolution, ask you, my valued and stupid readers - do we really want stupidity to exist in the future? Can you really put up with another 400 years of funniest home video show? Do you want to end up with Paris Hilton as president of the universe?

If your answer is no then join me in assisting evolution by eradicating stupidity from the face of the Earth. Every time you find someone who can't read a sign, who analyses the contents of their freshly picked nose while it still rests on their finger or get stuck behind those people who seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to walk very slowly in groups of 3-4 people taking up the entire pavement then a gentle nudge into an oncoming truck or a swift and precise kick to the gonads or ovaries rendering the recipient sterile is your god given duty!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bailey's theory of relativity AKA The Fishbowl

A small, young, black fellow once taught me that "The world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you may not be right for some....it takes different strokes to move the world...". He was quite the wise sage this Arnold. Having such clear insights into the workings of the world at such a young age is made even more amazing when you take it into account his obvious learning difficulties that rendered him incapable to ever comprehend just what it was Willis was talking about.

I met this hippy chick once. Her name was Margot. She liked to wear tie dyed dresses and carry around a massive dragon shaped bong in her bag so she could duck off for a few hot ones when she was out. Weird? perhaps. Eccentric? definitely. But she was doing what made her happy and she didn't really give a flying eff what anyone else thought of her. Where she lived this was the norm.

It's scary how perspective can so greatly affect one's view of something. This is true of most things - from what makes someone happy to our own moral compass and everything in between. Our perspective is shaped from our life experiences and is constantly changing and evolving. To a man who has been in gaol (I refuse to americanise my spelling of this word) for 10 years well Magda Szubanski would look like a supermodel. It's all relative.

We are very fast to judge each other in this world today. Anything that doesn't fit our own notion of what is normal is generally polarised in our community. Each of us tends to live in our own fishbowl which greatly inhibits our ability to see things from another's perspective, so next time you see that red haired girl in a tie dyed dress walking aimlessly down the street and carrying a large bag, before hanging shit on her remember,  to her, you are the strange one.

And then maybe offer her some clear eyes.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Musings and random thoughts from the train ride this morning

I hate it when I see a good looking girl on the platform who gets into my carriage but goes upstairs - I feel like I could be missing out.

If I hear someone's name said out loud on the train (or I read it on their work ID pass) I will go to work and facebook the shit outta them.

To entertain myself on the train I will sometimes play a game where I look at people and try to guess what it is they are saying to each other. Surprisingly the majority of people are all saying "sex, steak, beer, sex, steak, beer...."

Wolli creek is quite a picturesque place, if you can get past the aircrafts, pollution and traffic.

I don't understand how people can have B.O. at 7.30am - surely you just showered or at the very least had one before going to bed and applied some deodorant when getting dressed.

How does one conceal a fart on the train or does one just let it rip then look at the person next to them with a look of disgust?

I hate "train groups" - a collection of 3 or 4 people who work at the same place and happen to get on the same train. They aren't really friends so the conversation is always over polite and fake complete with fake laughs at crappy jokes. Someone just get nude.

Sitting on the bottom carriage can provide one with a wonderful view of nice legs.

Having nice legs does not necessarily mean someone has a nice figure.

If someone sits next to me with a laptop I will try to read whatever it is they are doing on there.

There is always a massive influx of Asians onto the train at Hurstville (not a racist thing, just an observation).

I am always the best looking guy on my train.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Facebook - connect or deconnect??

I hate facebook. I hate the "big brotherness" it represents and how it has destroyed the art of maintaining relationships. It may have been introduced as a way for people to "connect" however that is not how it is used in reality.

What's that you say?? "Bails - you’re on facebook more than anyone I know" Yes, this is true. I am addicted to this beast. Personally, I go for the ego boost I get making random comments and having people think I am funny. It gives me validation as a person. There are only a handful of people on there that I actually use facebook to keep in touch with.

Apart from the fact I walk around now, mentally clicking a "like" button at comments people might make, there are many things I love to hate (or hate to love) about facebook.....

I'm pretty sure I'm not naturally a stalker. I've never sat perched precariously on a low hanging branch, under the cover of darkness, armed with a camera and high powered binoculars as I surveyed the new bedroom attire of a potential girlfriend (or lawsuit). Nor have I followed someone around as they go about their daily business so I know where they are mostly every part of the day. When on facebook though, I think nothing of perusing an unknowing persons pictures, friends, whereabouts etc for no other purpose than trying to dig into the secret confines of their life.

As far as connecting people, well I've found that I have actually disconnected with people who don't use facebook. It's such an effort having to pick up a phone or drop by for a visit. Get online will you!

Then you have your facebookers who like to use their photos for their ego boost - plastering tonnes of photos on their page to show everyone how hot they are and how exciting their life is. In the case of young girls, these photos are inevitably filled with stony faced females wearing oversized sunglasses and making a sideways "V" with their fingers or self portraits. Guys will tend to find situations where they just happen to be shirtless.

Another type of attention seeking facebookers are the emo posters who post intentionally vague or cryptic updates about how they have been wronged, how bad they are feeling or how "someone" better watch out. This, in turn, evokes the usual responses, most likely from people they have not actually spoken to in years, enquiring after their health, if they are ok, offering anything they can do. This all gives the poster a feeling of being wanted.

The other thing with Facebook is it has now made breaking up all that much harder. It is near impossible to erase the other party from your life. There will be comments on mutual friends pages, pictures that somewhow end up on your news feed. That horrible temptation to creep all over their page, or if you/they have de-friended, to set up a fake profile to keep track of their whereabouts and associates (ok maybe I am naturally a stalker) and the fact that a relationship is not over until you have made it known on facebook. For that matter a relationship isn't real until it has been noted on facebook.

I could go on but I'll leave it at that for the time being - Mr Zuckerburg, you do indeed have a lot to answer for! But who can blame you - you were nursing a broken heart at the time and, like most of the world's great inventions, you came up with Facebook to grab the attention of a girl. If cavemen hadn't of required a faster way to drag their mates back to their cave for some action then we still wouldn't have the wheel!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

To 30....and beyond!!

Here we are - the first day of 2011 - I am 2 days into 30, the sun is shining, the world is turning and there have been no alien invasions. I am finally coming to grips with the fact I am now officially 30. It has been an emotionally draining journey, from that long ago morning back in April when I awoke to find time's cold, unforgiving hands clasped firmly around my jugular as it slowly squeezed my 20's out of me.
My freak out escalated rather dramatically in the last 2 months, due to the proximity of the fateful three-oh and the girl I was madly in love with moving overseas. With Dad's current state of ill health already on my mind, I found it a little overwhelming and have been carrying on a like an emo teen (sans the fringe and the cutting) which has resulted in a bit of an emotional overload but I suppose we all live and learn and try to make things right going forward.

The thing with 30 is, it's that line in the sand - the point at which potential is meant to be meeting with reality. I have been pretty successful with most things I have tried my hand at in the last 30 years however I've never stuck at any one thing long enough to be really great at it. This is mainly due to the fact I haven't really thought forward to the future, something I guess a lot of people are guilty of.

When I sit down and think about it there is not much my life is lacking and I wouldn't really change anything I've done in the past (apart from maybe the Vanilla Ice haircut in year 8). There are some things I could have handled better but when it comes down to it, I’ve always done what I thought was the right thing in any given moment and it has all added up to create the man I am today which I'm pretty happy with.

Something I would like to have done more of in my 20’s is travel so for this coming year I intend to get out and see more of the world before I come back to settle down and that’s basically what this blog is going to be about – my adventures - from the prep to getting home and everything in between.

Before I get started on that I thought I'd share 30 tidbits of wisdom I have learnt in my 30 years.....

1. Euros should be worn only in Europe and only by Mediterraneans

2. Vanilla ice haircuts were never cool, even when Ice Ice Baby was number one on the charts (though it still remains number one in our hearts)

3. Breaking up has been forever changed with the advent of facebook - be sure to get plenty of new photos on fast!

4.  Touching something then holding it to your nose is not a good way to find out if that something is poo or chocolate

5. "Googling" is a verb

6. Kids cartoons in the 80's were much better than kids cartoons today

7. Dr Alfred Bellows has to be the single most incompetent psychiatrist in the history of psychiatry

8. If you dance like nobody is watching you will be pointed and laughed at

9. Life is generally unfair

10. Girls can get away with pretty much anything if they cry

11. One should not drink alcohol and then go on facebook

12. Friends are very important

13. Love, to quote Old School, is a motherfucker

14. Accents make you 40% more attractive

15. If I could have sleeping as my occupation, I would

16. Everybody needs an arch-nemesis

17. Nothing lasts forever

18. Credit cards are not cool

19. Smashing a glass over your own head hurts and can lead to stitches

20. Smashing a glass over your own head again to see if you could do it without slicing yourself up like you did the first time you did it, generally results in the same outcome

21. Chicks dig scars

22. You need to do things that make YOU happy

23. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side however there is no harm in taking a peek as long as you can get back to where you are now if needed

24. Time will march relentlessly onward whether you keep up with it or not

25. Sun, surf and sand are an awesome combination

26. I could live to a thousand and never ever fully understand the female species (This is not intended as a disparaging remark, quite the opposite in fact, the allure of mystery!)

27. Vampires are not real

28. If you’re going to get caught drink driving, try not to do it while you are dressed up as a giant redskin

29. The back of a garbage truck can provide a not too uncomfortable (albeit rather un hygienic) ride home at 3am

30. Whoever combined chocolate and coconut should have won a nobel prize