Friday, January 13, 2012

Interview with Maxi From The Shire for his birthday

Big Maxi McKernan or "Maxi from The Shire" as he is known in the blogosphere, celebrates his 31st birthday today.  Max is somewhat of a local legend around the Cronulla / Engadine area so I felt, as a tribute to the man, I would interview him for my blog so everyone can see just what it is that makes the great man tick.

For those of you who do not know him, Maxi is a man with many notches on his belt. Not all of those notches have been made with a steak knife for extra room either. He is an accomplished rugby league player, indeed one of the finest talents Super League unearthered. He would no doubt be a household name if not for politics involved in the super league war. He is a life member of the Cronulla Sharks and the Engadine Dragons No.1 supporter, establishing their fan army "The Hill". He is a preferred consultant to Lightman Industries, has been headhunted by several international companies and is in current talks with the next season of dancing with the stars (he is just waiting to see if there will be any scheduling or contractual conflicts with his contract as he has signed on with Shine TV as the Australian "the Situation" on the shire's answer to Jersey Shore)..

Me: First of all let me say a big happy birthday to you Maxi. How are you celebrating this event?

Maxi: Thanks Bails. I am planning on an early morning breakfast down at Cronulla so I can have a perve on all the mothers pushing their strollers. There is just something about a mother that really does it for me. I would really like to be a mother myself one day.

Me: Now Maxi, you are very well known throughout the Sutherland Shire and possess a vast array of talents. How would you describe yourself to our readers?

Maxi: Your right Bails, the Big Max is a layered character. I am one part rockstar, one part pornstar and all man. I am extremely competitive and hate losing, as you can see from my waistline. I don't think I can sum myself up in only a few words as for every layer that is peeled an even more inspiring one flows forth.

Me: We first met on the football field as youngsters when you were playing for Engadine and me for De La. I recall after one encounter your dad approached me asking me to go easy on you. I had apparently tackled you and sent you off crying. Talk me through this traumatic experience.

Maxi: I'd rather not talk about that thanks John. My ribs are still rather sore and the mental anguish has not faded.

Me: Understandable. You did recover from this to go on and become the great man that you are today though the super league war wasn't very kind to you. You have been quoted as describing it as being torn between two parents, with both the ARL and Super League vying heavily for your services. Your eventual decision to run with Super League ultimately sounded the death knell for your football career. Do you have any regrets?

Maxi: No real regrets Bails. I flew high and touched the moon. I achieved things the majority of people only dream about. I guess my biggest regret in my footballing career was never being able to really get the best of De La. They just always had our measure.

Me: Maxi, before we go on, one of your fans has emailed through a fan question. Mitch from Engadine has said "Hi Maxi, Mr Mitch here with a quick question on your footy career. How did you manage to keep your feet planted on the ground during your magnificent career and do you now sometimes sit back and watch your career highlights and reflect on a great period in your life?"

Maxi: I'll be honest with you Mitchell, it wasn't easy. I was the king of Carmens with girls throwing themselves at me all over the place. I would have 2, sometimes 3 girls approach me all within the the space of a year and let me tell you they weren't after directions to the nearest service station. Ok, maybe 2 of them were but they were still heady days. It was lucky I had an good strong head on my shoulders that kept me above all that sort of garbage. In respect to my highlights, yes I will quite often sit back and reflect on my days at the top of the rugby league pecking order bulldozing all those in my path with a quiet ale in my hands. I was a God amongst men. 

Me: Well Maxi, we are just about out of time. I really appreciate you talking with me today. Is there anything you would like to say to your sea of fans before departing?

Maxi: Thanks Bails, I really admire you and having the chance to get on this blog has been the best birthday present I could ask for. To my fans, I'd just like to leave you with my standard motto - live life to the Max!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Outgoing tide

This little piece gives a clear and precise insight into the mind of a young Mr Bargeworth. I came across this emo poem I wrote no doubt after some lost love eons ago. I can't believe I didn't walk around with a black fringe (ok I guess my follicly challenged scalp had a say in that), white face makeup and razors to cut myself with.

Outgoing Tide

I'll hold you in my arms tonight
I want to cherish this moment forever
After we say goodbye
You know we’ll never be together

Words are passed, deals are done
In our heart we know the truth
One more night is all we have
Just the sun inside of june

We were but a moment in time
A happy memory
Now we fade away
To our  lives of anonymity

Think about each other now and then
As the memory fades to black
Sometime when we are old
We’ll smile and remember back

To that night under the moon
We promised all our lies
To that moment lost in time
Beside the outgoing tide

The art of the pick up

It has come to my attention that many males seem to have trouble initiating conversation with women and picking them up. I have never understood this. I guess being born with perfect genetics allows one a certain amount of confidence that is not present with other "normal" people however it does not just come down to my good looks and perfect bone structure.

Being the benevolent soul that I am, I thought I might share with you some of my finer points in this.

Please note this guide is intended for use in clubs and pubs however the same principles will apply no matter where you are, supermarkets, laundromats, a co-ed dorm pillow fight etc.....

The first thing you need to do, once you have spied the object of your affection, is to gain their attention. This can be done a number of ways, the more traditional of which being to approach them to start a conversation. Boring! No one wants to be traditional in the mating game - you need to set yourself apart from the pack.

One of my favourite methods to accomplish this is via "Peacocking". Much like the male peacock will use his feathers and dance to attract the female peacock's attention, so should you . Find some bright clothing, preferably a light blue or canary yellow suit along with some peacock feathers protruding from the matching pork pie hat. When in the near vicinity of the object of desire, start laughing loudly and then pretend to fall over allowing hundred dollar notes to fall out of your pocket and onto the floor (note if you do not have access to a number of $100 notes then photocopy one in colour and do this numerous times). This will certainly get their attention and let them know you mean business.

So now you have their attention, what is the next step? You need to engage them in conversation idiot. Seriously, what a stupid question. Remember you want to stand out from all the others that are hitting on what is rightfully yours so rather than starting out with a mundane "Hi, how are you?" you will want to break the ice with a witty one liner. I can't give away all my goods however one of my favourites is "Would you like to come back to my place for some coffee and some sex?". The beauty of this line is either she will often accept (well sometimes accept) and you are already in (well so far none have accepted but it will happen) or they will set you up for the joke by saying "No" to which you will reply "What? Don't you like coffee?".

Please note it is very important when saying this to look the female up and down heavily, pausing and staring obviously at their cleavage and lick your lips. This will let them know you are interested and it is really very flattering for them.

Now, the most common response to the above line is a slap across the face. This is when you know you are in. Other sure fire methods of knowing you are in is if they throw their drink at you, call you a name or call over their "boyfriend". The thing to remember here is the female mind is a complex and fragile thing that has been wired for certain subservient duties such as cooking and cleaning, hence their response is not measured, logical or tied to their actual thoughts. Trust me, they are into you, this happens to me all the time and with a face like mine, how could they not?

So you have broken the ice, now comes the easy part, reeling them in. As mentioned above, women are wired in a strange way. Tell them how you have a sweet pad in your mothers basement where you have a lock for the door and everything and invite her back there for a sherry from your mother's own collection. She will love this, it shows you value family. You may find though she has turned her head to ignore you. Again, she is just playing hard to get and wants to see that you really want it. It's merely a test. Do not be above grovelling, even cry if you have to. This is all a negotiation, you start at inviting her back, she ignores you, you counter offer with some grovelling, she ignores you some more, you get on your knees crying, she can see how serious you are so she will normally give you her number.

Just like Charlie Sheen you are now WINNING!!!!

Score one for yourself. Now this is a numbers game and the hooters, excuse the pun, haven't sounded as yet. You will need to go round and repeat the above as many times as possible in one night. Once you get home you can start sifting through the various numbers you have. Do not wait to call, call straight away.  This will allow you to get a head start on anyone else she has met that night as well as sift through any false numbers you may have been given.......sometimes, on the rarest of occasions you will find that the females, due to their aforementioned inferior wiring, will like to continue playing hard to get by giving out false names and numbers.........OK, so you may find ALL the women have given you false names and numbers as they wish to continue playing hard to get, this is again part of their play to reel you in. At this point you may need to start facebook, myspace and google stalking but that is a different edition suffice to say you will need to invest in a good pair of binoculars

Now there you have it, my lacklustre readers, you are now a chick magnet (albeit genetically inferior). Use this guide and the world is your (bearded) oyster.