Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You can stand under my coachella-ella-ella-ella

Ahhh Coachella. I shall be popping my cherry this year at what is arguably the best music festival in the world today. 3 days of desert fun, sun, beers and music. I am also celebrating my favourite (and only) niece's 21st which is fantastic for her as she will have her favourite (but not only) uncle in a munted state sleazing all over her young friends.

The sleazy uncle, however, is not the only character that will be appearing during Coachella - The "Urban Irwin" shall also be making his debut at Coachella as he delves into the behavioural nuances and mating habits of festival goers, getting up close and personal and even aiming to tag a few for conservational purposes.

Unfortunately I, like so many of the faithful lazy, procrastinated myself out of a camping pass, so I wish to put it out there to all and sundry that may have space in their tent or car camping for three Aussie lads obviously coming all the way from Australia for this fine event. We would really like to push ourselves into someone’s camp site.

We can offer nothing in the way of camping skills or equipment whatsoever. We will have a car and can give you a ride from LA or nearby surrounds. We will have money and we are extremely good looking*. I can wiggle my ears, Thisso can juggle and Storesy, well, he will be there too.
* "Extremely good looking" does not necessarily mean extremely good looking

We are willing to offer cash, sexual favours or organ donations for room on a campsite!

We can guarantee we will enhance your Coachella experience and teach you a great deal about Australian culture. If learning about Australian culture is not your thing then that's cool, cause that part was a lie.

Any past participants please offer suggestions or tips for things to do whilst there and even some tips for if we miss out on camping passes.

My to-do list thus far looks like this:

1. Get nude

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Emergency Australian Homesickness Repair Kit

Some of you may have already seen this little gem I came up with but I thought I would share it over my blog so you can send to your friends and families overseas who, at this time, may be feeling those pangs in the cockal or sub-cockal region of their hearts for their good ol' home country.

I actually sent it to a friend as a christmas present as she had recently departed our shores but alas I feel she may not have appreciated my genius so rather than let this (and i'm not exaggerating when I say this) world changing idea go to waste I present to you my Emergency Australian Homesickness Repair Kit.......


1.     Pure Australian sunshine captured from the crisp clean sun found in Sydney’s Royal National Park
2.     Pure Australian air captured from the refined and sweet smelling surrounds of Queensland’s Sunshine Coast
3.     Collection of sea shells farmed from various pristine beaches along Australia’s East Coast from Far North Queensland to NSW South Coast
4.     One jar of vegemite
5.     One Australiana CD containing the hits Land downunder, True blue, I still call Australia home, Tie me kangaroo down sport, Great southern land, Home among the gum trees, Sounds of then (This is Australia), Waltzing Matilda and of course Advance Australia Fair
6.     Packaged in 100% biodegradable Domino’s pizza box, vegemite jars & cling wrap

In case of severe homesickness follow these instructions:
1.     Clear area in room so there are no foreign objects within a 5m radius
2.     Place CD in CD player
3.     Open shell jar and scatter shells on floor
4.     Open air And inhale large amount
5.     Dim lights then open jar of Aussie sunshine (only a small amount is required, high doses have been known to cause sunstroke and skin cancer)
6.     Bask in your now synthetically arranged Australian setting until homesickness symptoms have abated

WARNING: These conditions regularly attract drop bears so it is advisable once homesickness has abated apply large amounts of vegemite to your face to repel said creatures. A jar has been provided for this purpose

And it looks a little something like this....

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Where are they now?

Have you ever wondered what happened to those lovable cartoon characters you grew up watching for so many hours of a Saturday morning??

Well I did, so I went out and did a little research to find out just what happened to those animated stars of the 80's and 90's......

Gargamel - gave up on his idea of turning smurfs into gold and focused on business instead. He is now running a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing. Occasionally he will go back to his old ways attempting to turn one of his child workers into gold with disastrous but hilarious results.

Thundercats - These weird creatures, the result of some very unholy matings between humans and felines, started their own very successful TV show based in New York called Sex and the Kitty.

Kung Phooey - Is now working in a Vietnamese bakery in Cabramatta.

Fat Albert - Is no longer Fat Albert. He got to the gym after his second heart attack, dropped 250 pounds and is now rapping under the pseudonym Kanye West

Captain Caveman - Starred in his own reality TV show - "Find the caveman a wife". As a result he is now awaiting sentencing for the clubbing death of several c-list celebrities.

He-Man - Has now shaved his head and is working with Macquarie in their Wrap Adviser Services section.

Skeletor - Was plucked from obscurity in a mall in Eternia by a passing model scout and is now adorning the catwalks of Milan as a runway model.

Brainy Smurf - Found his inner calling as a Jehovah's Witness and is now collecting door to door for this fine establishment.

Smurfette - Is running her own fortune 500 company. In an interview with Time Magazine for her woman of the year award she attributed her enormous success to living in a male dominated environment for so long. She owns the sweatshop Gargamel runs and employs several of her smurf buddies as assistants so she can order them around.

Care Bears - Decided to get into music and formed a band called Human Nature

Danger Mouse - Is still fighting danger at the retirement home he is housed in at Northern London, which he shares with his lover, Ernest Penfold.

Rainbow Brite - The legend lives on - this acid taking princess is still living in her own macabre world of drugs, ponies and rainbows. You can often see her dancing at various festivals and raves throughout the world.

Strawberry Shortcake - Moved to LA to recognise her dream of starting her own cooking show but ended up starring in animal porn. She is now known as Strawberry Horsecake.

George Jetson - Is currently serving 5 years for spousal abuse at Longstar correctional facility. Coincidently this is where the Spacely's Sprockets runs their gaol rehabilitation work programme.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it - do you feel fine?

Hundreds of fish washing up on the beach, birds falling from the sky, Catastrophic flooding in Queensland and Brazil, Warnie's show has been cancelled......can it be any clearer?? Make no mistake people, the end of the world is nigh!!

The old man with the A-Frame sign that used to stand on the Princes Highway was right (albeit a little early).

So how are you going to celebrate your final hours on this Earth?

Firstly I would spend a few hours at work thinking about it instead of working whilst checking my Facebook constantly, then waste some more work time writing it into my blog then I would, in no particular order:

 - Find anyone who has ever done a facebook status update that read such and such is brushing their teeth, such and such is washing their hair or other such similar posts and fire two rounds of a .22 calibre bullet into each knee

 - Sell my nude pictures of Nick Riewoldt

 - Go to Nokia and find out how to make a simple phone call from my phone (although I am aware it tells me the tides currently in Somalia)

 - Go to Somalia at high tide and look for pirates

 - Finally reveal that I am the Stig

 - Find Steven Macklin and get the 50c he owes me from year 1

 - Pay back Nicole O'Donovan the 50c I owe her from Year 2

 - Text my family how much I love them while they arre sitting in the room next to me

 - Burn all my clothes and spend the remaining time wandering around as God intended - naked and freezing. This last one requires some precise timing as, if the world did not end immediately but say took another 6 months, it would be rather awkward for everyone involved.

What would you do??

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bailey's theory of evolution - The origin of stupidity

Continuing on my previous post where I offered my extraordinarily insightful theory into perspective I thought I would delve into something a little more scientific - Evolution.

For the most part I think evolution seems to fit. I am a living example. When we were monkeys we required hair across our entire body to help protect against the elements. As we evolved and created clothes to assist us in this protective measure, our need for hair everywhere dissipated and so the hair slowly started coming off. One of the last bastions of this needless hair is left atop our heads however, for some of us further evolved individuals, this spot too has started shedding as we move onto the next step of human evolution.

The gaping hole in evolutionary theory, as I see it, is stupidity. Surely this flaw should have been eradicated from our gene pool long ago but no, stupidity is still running rife and this is evident everywhere.

We all like to think of stupidity as being a problem of the more disadvantaged amongst us - those people whose "work" uniform is an adidas tracksuit and bum bag with "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed across their knuckles but Paris Hilton proves this is not the case. She proves wealth and privilege, do not buy brains, common sense or even class for that matter.

But Paris is not the problem here. The fact I know who this dim witted princess is, is the problem. It proves people, as a whole, are just as stupid as her and each other. She has no discernable talents or redeeming qualities yet she seems to grace our media on almost a daily basis - people seem to love reading about her.

I can't blame Paris for this. It's not her fault and it's not isolated to just her - there's loads of TV shows and stupidity out there and we, as stupid consumers, eat this up. I believe the same people that are responsible for giving Today Tonight a viewing market are the same people that will put their umbrella up before checking behind them and you get hit in the eye. Those who settle in and watch Minute to Win It are the same folk that take 25 minutes to withdraw $20 from the ATM.

So I, in my capacity as the next step in human evolution, ask you, my valued and stupid readers - do we really want stupidity to exist in the future? Can you really put up with another 400 years of funniest home video show? Do you want to end up with Paris Hilton as president of the universe?

If your answer is no then join me in assisting evolution by eradicating stupidity from the face of the Earth. Every time you find someone who can't read a sign, who analyses the contents of their freshly picked nose while it still rests on their finger or get stuck behind those people who seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to walk very slowly in groups of 3-4 people taking up the entire pavement then a gentle nudge into an oncoming truck or a swift and precise kick to the gonads or ovaries rendering the recipient sterile is your god given duty!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bailey's theory of relativity AKA The Fishbowl

A small, young, black fellow once taught me that "The world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you may not be right for takes different strokes to move the world...". He was quite the wise sage this Arnold. Having such clear insights into the workings of the world at such a young age is made even more amazing when you take it into account his obvious learning difficulties that rendered him incapable to ever comprehend just what it was Willis was talking about.

I met this hippy chick once. Her name was Margot. She liked to wear tie dyed dresses and carry around a massive dragon shaped bong in her bag so she could duck off for a few hot ones when she was out. Weird? perhaps. Eccentric? definitely. But she was doing what made her happy and she didn't really give a flying eff what anyone else thought of her. Where she lived this was the norm.

It's scary how perspective can so greatly affect one's view of something. This is true of most things - from what makes someone happy to our own moral compass and everything in between. Our perspective is shaped from our life experiences and is constantly changing and evolving. To a man who has been in gaol (I refuse to americanise my spelling of this word) for 10 years well Magda Szubanski would look like a supermodel. It's all relative.

We are very fast to judge each other in this world today. Anything that doesn't fit our own notion of what is normal is generally polarised in our community. Each of us tends to live in our own fishbowl which greatly inhibits our ability to see things from another's perspective, so next time you see that red haired girl in a tie dyed dress walking aimlessly down the street and carrying a large bag, before hanging shit on her remember,  to her, you are the strange one.

And then maybe offer her some clear eyes.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Musings and random thoughts from the train ride this morning

I hate it when I see a good looking girl on the platform who gets into my carriage but goes upstairs - I feel like I could be missing out.

If I hear someone's name said out loud on the train (or I read it on their work ID pass) I will go to work and facebook the shit outta them.

To entertain myself on the train I will sometimes play a game where I look at people and try to guess what it is they are saying to each other. Surprisingly the majority of people are all saying "sex, steak, beer, sex, steak, beer...."

Wolli creek is quite a picturesque place, if you can get past the aircrafts, pollution and traffic.

I don't understand how people can have B.O. at 7.30am - surely you just showered or at the very least had one before going to bed and applied some deodorant when getting dressed.

How does one conceal a fart on the train or does one just let it rip then look at the person next to them with a look of disgust?

I hate "train groups" - a collection of 3 or 4 people who work at the same place and happen to get on the same train. They aren't really friends so the conversation is always over polite and fake complete with fake laughs at crappy jokes. Someone just get nude.

Sitting on the bottom carriage can provide one with a wonderful view of nice legs.

Having nice legs does not necessarily mean someone has a nice figure.

If someone sits next to me with a laptop I will try to read whatever it is they are doing on there.

There is always a massive influx of Asians onto the train at Hurstville (not a racist thing, just an observation).

I am always the best looking guy on my train.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Facebook - connect or deconnect??

I hate facebook. I hate the "big brotherness" it represents and how it has destroyed the art of maintaining relationships. It may have been introduced as a way for people to "connect" however that is not how it is used in reality.

What's that you say?? "Bails - you’re on facebook more than anyone I know" Yes, this is true. I am addicted to this beast. Personally, I go for the ego boost I get making random comments and having people think I am funny. It gives me validation as a person. There are only a handful of people on there that I actually use facebook to keep in touch with.

Apart from the fact I walk around now, mentally clicking a "like" button at comments people might make, there are many things I love to hate (or hate to love) about facebook.....

I'm pretty sure I'm not naturally a stalker. I've never sat perched precariously on a low hanging branch, under the cover of darkness, armed with a camera and high powered binoculars as I surveyed the new bedroom attire of a potential girlfriend (or lawsuit). Nor have I followed someone around as they go about their daily business so I know where they are mostly every part of the day. When on facebook though, I think nothing of perusing an unknowing persons pictures, friends, whereabouts etc for no other purpose than trying to dig into the secret confines of their life.

As far as connecting people, well I've found that I have actually disconnected with people who don't use facebook. It's such an effort having to pick up a phone or drop by for a visit. Get online will you!

Then you have your facebookers who like to use their photos for their ego boost - plastering tonnes of photos on their page to show everyone how hot they are and how exciting their life is. In the case of young girls, these photos are inevitably filled with stony faced females wearing oversized sunglasses and making a sideways "V" with their fingers or self portraits. Guys will tend to find situations where they just happen to be shirtless.

Another type of attention seeking facebookers are the emo posters who post intentionally vague or cryptic updates about how they have been wronged, how bad they are feeling or how "someone" better watch out. This, in turn, evokes the usual responses, most likely from people they have not actually spoken to in years, enquiring after their health, if they are ok, offering anything they can do. This all gives the poster a feeling of being wanted.

The other thing with Facebook is it has now made breaking up all that much harder. It is near impossible to erase the other party from your life. There will be comments on mutual friends pages, pictures that somewhow end up on your news feed. That horrible temptation to creep all over their page, or if you/they have de-friended, to set up a fake profile to keep track of their whereabouts and associates (ok maybe I am naturally a stalker) and the fact that a relationship is not over until you have made it known on facebook. For that matter a relationship isn't real until it has been noted on facebook.

I could go on but I'll leave it at that for the time being - Mr Zuckerburg, you do indeed have a lot to answer for! But who can blame you - you were nursing a broken heart at the time and, like most of the world's great inventions, you came up with Facebook to grab the attention of a girl. If cavemen hadn't of required a faster way to drag their mates back to their cave for some action then we still wouldn't have the wheel!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

To 30....and beyond!!

Here we are - the first day of 2011 - I am 2 days into 30, the sun is shining, the world is turning and there have been no alien invasions. I am finally coming to grips with the fact I am now officially 30. It has been an emotionally draining journey, from that long ago morning back in April when I awoke to find time's cold, unforgiving hands clasped firmly around my jugular as it slowly squeezed my 20's out of me.
My freak out escalated rather dramatically in the last 2 months, due to the proximity of the fateful three-oh and the girl I was madly in love with moving overseas. With Dad's current state of ill health already on my mind, I found it a little overwhelming and have been carrying on a like an emo teen (sans the fringe and the cutting) which has resulted in a bit of an emotional overload but I suppose we all live and learn and try to make things right going forward.

The thing with 30 is, it's that line in the sand - the point at which potential is meant to be meeting with reality. I have been pretty successful with most things I have tried my hand at in the last 30 years however I've never stuck at any one thing long enough to be really great at it. This is mainly due to the fact I haven't really thought forward to the future, something I guess a lot of people are guilty of.

When I sit down and think about it there is not much my life is lacking and I wouldn't really change anything I've done in the past (apart from maybe the Vanilla Ice haircut in year 8). There are some things I could have handled better but when it comes down to it, I’ve always done what I thought was the right thing in any given moment and it has all added up to create the man I am today which I'm pretty happy with.

Something I would like to have done more of in my 20’s is travel so for this coming year I intend to get out and see more of the world before I come back to settle down and that’s basically what this blog is going to be about – my adventures - from the prep to getting home and everything in between.

Before I get started on that I thought I'd share 30 tidbits of wisdom I have learnt in my 30 years.....

1. Euros should be worn only in Europe and only by Mediterraneans

2. Vanilla ice haircuts were never cool, even when Ice Ice Baby was number one on the charts (though it still remains number one in our hearts)

3. Breaking up has been forever changed with the advent of facebook - be sure to get plenty of new photos on fast!

4.  Touching something then holding it to your nose is not a good way to find out if that something is poo or chocolate

5. "Googling" is a verb

6. Kids cartoons in the 80's were much better than kids cartoons today

7. Dr Alfred Bellows has to be the single most incompetent psychiatrist in the history of psychiatry

8. If you dance like nobody is watching you will be pointed and laughed at

9. Life is generally unfair

10. Girls can get away with pretty much anything if they cry

11. One should not drink alcohol and then go on facebook

12. Friends are very important

13. Love, to quote Old School, is a motherfucker

14. Accents make you 40% more attractive

15. If I could have sleeping as my occupation, I would

16. Everybody needs an arch-nemesis

17. Nothing lasts forever

18. Credit cards are not cool

19. Smashing a glass over your own head hurts and can lead to stitches

20. Smashing a glass over your own head again to see if you could do it without slicing yourself up like you did the first time you did it, generally results in the same outcome

21. Chicks dig scars

22. You need to do things that make YOU happy

23. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side however there is no harm in taking a peek as long as you can get back to where you are now if needed

24. Time will march relentlessly onward whether you keep up with it or not

25. Sun, surf and sand are an awesome combination

26. I could live to a thousand and never ever fully understand the female species (This is not intended as a disparaging remark, quite the opposite in fact, the allure of mystery!)

27. Vampires are not real

28. If you’re going to get caught drink driving, try not to do it while you are dressed up as a giant redskin

29. The back of a garbage truck can provide a not too uncomfortable (albeit rather un hygienic) ride home at 3am

30. Whoever combined chocolate and coconut should have won a nobel prize