Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Turn and face the strange

Ah, the digital age. We can converse face to face with people on the other side of the world or screen to screen with people the other side of the room. We can carry more music on our person than we could listen to in a lifetime. We are undergoing a paradigm shift in the world economy (really a turning back of the clock) as China and India strive to reclaim their spot as the planets economic superpowers. The Internet has granted us unparalleled 24/7 access to information from across the seas - bombings in Turkey, uprisings and starvation in Africa, celebrity arrests in America......

Everything seems to be going so fast now. The speed of change is increasing exponentially as we slip into 5th gear and impatiently race toward our unknown and uncertain destination. Just what does this mean for us? Where are we heading? Another inquisitive mind by the name of Michel de Nostredame once asked himself these very same questions back in the 1500's and, just like him, I ingested a bucketful of wild mushrooms in search of answers. This is what I saw......

- With no further need of hair to warm our heads, we evolve past this crude and redundant body mutation until all humans on the planet bear a shiny smooth dome-like head. The earlier examples of this evolution are heralded as the first step in our race's advancement as a species and placed upon pedestals for all to worship.

- After hundreds of years and millions of dollars worth of research, scientists from Facebook's Harvard university beat Coca-Cola's MIT university to win the race to discover what it was Willis was talking 'bout

- Tasmania secede from the mainland and rename themselves "Williams". This name happens to be the surname of each inhabitant of the island

- The teddy bears strike back, delivering their pyjama clad oppressors a beating they will never forget then feeding them to their wartime allies - the monkeys.

- The biggest film of the 2100's is the digitally remastered 4-d directors cut version of "Weekend at Bernies"

- Heart attacks and cancer are no longer the biggest health risks facing us - the no.1 killer amongst men aged 13-23 is starvation and malnutrition due to prolonged gaming

- Books will have gone the way of the Bieber (a commonly used expression of the time meaning to die out without a trace). The worlds biggest authors are all on twitter where they release a book one line at a time

- We will no longer have to live with the burden of carrying around wallets, money, keys, phones or remote controls. These things will all be encoded into a microchip placed underneath the skin of our right hands, created and sold by Beelzebub industries. Studies will show 93.2% of people of people will still forget where they put their wallet and keys

- America will squander its chance to regain its position as an economic heavyweight after a multi-billion dollar out of court settlement it received for tripping over a mat at China's wedding to Paraguay. Instead president Kardashian consulted finance minister Hilton and they put the money into genetic research to create the world's biggest chihuahua. This in itself would not have been too bad however the multi billion dollar debt incurred for then commissioning Gucci to create the world's biggest handbag to carry it in broke the back of the once powerful nation with most of it's inhabitants fleeing to Mexico.

- Scientists in Geneva finally get the Large Hedron Collider back up and functioning and it opened up a portal to God allowing time enough for one question. We now know God's favourite spice girl was sporty spice (before she put the weight on)

- Genetic research is all the rage for a while in the mid 2150's and scientists actually put together all the best genes from everywhere to create the perfect man. He looked like this.......

They did also attempt to create the perfect women however found it an insurmountable task.

The mushrooms powers are now fading and I am settling back to my normal state of mind however the green pixie sitting next to me feels strongly that I should try this again sometime soon to see what other secrets the future may hold. Until then, dear readers, I bid you adieu.