Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The first week

The first assault of operation blitzkrieg has prevailed, even in the face of some morale depleting comments on my body from Fat sympathiser Jason Barnes. In the first week allied forces have managed to wipe out 2.8kg of Fat strongholds across the host nation. There is no doubt that some of these numbers include some water weight however it is a great start to the offensive and has general O'Somwans Bin Eating shaking in his lipid boots.

From here on in all troops need to be on guard as we no longer have the element of surprise up our sleeve. The first week it's something new and different to keep you occupied - you see the results and get excited and from there it is easy to slip into some complacency and succumb to the little voice that says "Go on, have just one beer, you deserve it" as your walking past the pub or "Go on, grab that chocolate as a reward" as you pass Haighs chocolates with their delightful golden wrapped chocolate bunnies swimming in a sea of coconut rough......I digress. 

My diet this week has looked basically like this:

Meal 1: Weet-bix or oats with skim milk and either a banana or some almonds

Meal 2 (Post morning workout): Protein shake with skim

Meal 3: Brown rice with tuna and avocado plus sometimes a little sweet chilli sauce (bloody beautiful this is)

Meal 4: 2 boiled eggs

Meal 5: (Post arvo workout): Protein shake with water

Meal 6: Grilled chick breast with vegies

Training wise I've generally been doing weights in the morning and boxercise or swimming in the afternoon for an hour or two plus trying to get about 20 mins stretching in each evening. I want to increase effort and intensity of the training I do each week culminating in a huge 8th week and then offloading for the week after that.

My super Saturday session was enormous. Such a great way to start the weekend but I honestly didn't have any confidence in myself that I was going to get up to do it all until it was done. I was up at 4.45am Saturday morning to eat breakfast - I am generally jumping into a taxi to discuss racial relations with our friendly multi lingual cabbies on the haul into the city at this hour. The world looks strange when your sober. 

I started with a 6.5km run (I actually passed one happy camper taking some lucky lady by the hand as he led her back to his domicile for what no doubt consisted of 15-20 mins of beer burping, grunting, excessive sweating, snoring and ultimately a large amount of shame and awkwardness the next morning - I was extremely jealous) down to for 50mins boxercise and 50mins of spin. I was effin spent by the end but feeling a million dollars and it was only 8:00am.

Tribe is a great gym and again Scotty Capelin has provided me with some sage advice. Being that I have generally only trained for sport before, I set out to eat that same way with things like brown rice, oats and even fruit taking up a large amount of of my daily intake. These are great foods and healthy but reducing carbs will expedite fat loss as the body will have to dig into it's fat stores for energy instead of the readily available energy from the carbs. So going forward I'll be looking at tweaking my diet a little and even including a protein only day once a week and see how this goes.

Before I go, I should note that, with my body back to it's former glory combining with my rugged yet radiant good looks and my Seinfeld like wit I will no doubt be overwhelmed at the end of operation blitzkrieg with females trying to jump on board the Bailey train. Being that I will be severely lacking a social life throughout the next 7.5 weeks will mean that I will only be too willing to allow you ladies to have a crack however I must insist on a heavy screening process for all you Bargeworth hungry females out there. I can't just be seen with anyone. Please send me a 5 minute tape of yourselves telling me why I should select you. The tape should include your waist, hip and bust measurements and at some stage some footage of you performing the splits. I will be selecting the lucky ladies based my normal decision making process I use in most facets of my life - I will weigh up the pros and cons of each applicant, I will consider what obstacles they have overcome to get where they are, their professions, their motivations and then I will be choosing the seven girls with the biggest tits.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The fatwā on Fat

Operation Blitzkrieg  is underway. Fitness guru General Scott Capelin of Tribe Social Fitness ( inspired by my heroic and legendary efforts has offered his services as field marshall to ensure all my troops are working at maximum capacity to rid this scourge. Scott is no stranger to Fat - has has waged a personal war against Fat for years after losing a few ex-girlfriends to the infidels. He will be reviewing weekly food intake and training schedules to make sure I stay on track. Tribe is a new gym in the Shire that is a great place to train and I urge everyone to get down there and check it out.

From the pictures below you can see why I am doing the blitz. It's actually quite confronting putting your fat belly onto the Internet like this. I didn't realise how bad I was actually going till I saw these photos. I'm blaming the light. Very poor lighting in these picture and they are also a little grainy.

I've noticed in just these first few days how much I unconsciously put into my body.Couple of iced vovo's from the community biscuit jar at work, can of coke and a chocolate from the vending machine for an afternoon pick me up, bottle of jack at lunch time, quick hit of golden brown with it's texture like sun to relax in the afternoon. It all adds up. I noticed myself going for the biscuit jar each morning and had to pull myself up just short. Already that voice was at work inside my head saying "It's only a couple of biscuits, you've only just started, it will be alright". It's that voice I have to block out. He's the same voice that works in everyone's head saying things like "One more rep won't matter", "skip training tonight and you can make up for it tomorrow" or "Kill all humans".

So my first weigh in was 98.3kg. Body fat is about 22% (according to Tanita). The goals, ideally, are:

                        1.  Halve my bodyfat which means about a 10-12kg loss and;

                        2. Grow approximately three quarters of my hair back - just enough for a decent comb over.

I will be lifting weights through the operation so that may affect actual body weight dropped and I don't know how accurate the Tanita measurements are so I will be judging mainly from look and feel - How I look and who I'm feeling.

As you can see there is a tough slog in front of me and 8 weeks isn't a very long time. I will post again shortly regarding my eating and training schedule. Still after some allied forces to join me in operation Blitzkrieg. Oh, and faithful readers relax - I will still be posting my normal nonsensical drivel about nothing in particular. 

Just so you know, the ultimate goal would be to get back looking like I did a few years back - I have actually found an old picture. It's a little embarrassing really but I thought I would put it out there so you know I wasn't always a lard ass.....

Monday, March 19, 2012

Operation Blitzkrieg

Blitzkrieg: An offensive conducted with speed and force, specifically to quickly overwhelm the enemy with a combination of massed air forces and mobile mechanized ground troops working in close co-ordination.

At 0600 hours today I launched an offensive against Fat. The plan is simple - conduct an eight week Blitzkrieg style attack on Fat with the aim of greatly diminishing Fat occupied strangleholds within my body and stop the uprising currently being conducted by General O'Somwans Bin Eatin under strict orders from their commander in chief, President Morbid Obesity.

The attack will see three troops - cardio, weights and nutrition - working together in a closely co-ordinated effort. It will be a quick, calculated raid which, if successful, will greatly diminish the enemy's capabilities allowing simple patrols to maintain the peace across the host belly.

I am an all or nothing type of person. I seem to struggle finding middle ground - this is true for most things in my life and as such I am almost as well acquainted with fitness benders as I am with drinking benders. The idea of blogging about it though is new. It came to me recently after seeing the dramatic results Nick Chapman, co-owner and founder of Shift 60 training systems - achieved with his own 56 day challenge - One of the points he made at the end of it was the accountability involved with blogging about it really helped him to maintain motivation throughout.

I won't be going to quite as much trouble as Chappo but I'm not looking for such extreme results either. I am not so focused on weight loss as I am fat loss and making a nice big dent into the burgeoning belly that is currently my mid-section just to give me a shove along back in the right direction.

I'll have some before photos posted (hopefully by tomorrow) but I wanted to get this down so I have committed myself to the project.

My current weight is 98.3kg. I would like to drop about 8-10 kg which is really quite achievable however as I said I'm not concentrating so much on weight loss as I am on fat loss. I will be lifting weights throughout so I expect some fat to be replaced by muscle which would lessen the amount of weight lost but I will put more in later of my training regime and food and such suffice to say no drinking for 2 months will result in one hell of a bender at the end!!

I'll be conducting weekly debriefings as to the progress of the blitz.

I'd like to put an open call out for any allied forces to join me in this 8-week offensive. To quote one of the greatest moments in cinematic history (link below) - "Who's going to go home and who's going to come with me?"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The 3.5 hr work week: Escape 9-5, spend money and live on your mum's floor

Everyone here has no doubt heard of Timothy Ferriss' worldwide bestselling book "The 4 hour work week: Escape 9-5, live anywhere and join the new rich". Well, I have come up with a revolutionary new concept that is going to blow this out of the water. Ready?

Drum roll please…..

The 3.5hr work week!

The 3.5 work week is all about being smarter to free up more time for laziness. I would say working smarter however the term "work" is a word I want to avoid as much as possible.

Work is all about appearances. You want to appear as a valuable employee while not actually doing any work or, as the case may be, no more than 42 mins of work per day. There are certain things you will need to achieve this - a packet of breath mints, a shiny water bottle, a large coffee cup and if you don't already, you will need to take up smoking. Something else that may come in handy is a smart phone if you don't have facebook access at work.

Just like a good breakfast, the start of the day is the most important. A good employee is a punctual employee. Be sure to be on time every day  although be careful not to be a second early as this may result in precious minutes being wasted on actual work.

Announce yourself upon arrival. You want everyone, especially your boss, to know you are there on time. A big loud good morning is always a good head turner but anyone can do that. You will want to make yours distinctive so that people will know it is you even if they can't see you. You can try putting a melody to it like when greeting a teacher at school (as our old principal Mr Paton liked to say, "Put some effort into it and really make it feel as though it were coming out of the top of your head"). If you don't quite have the capacity to formulate speech from the top of your head then try saying it in a different language - "selamat pagi everyone” or “Guten morgen everyone” are good starting points.

Now you will need to make sure your computer is set up in an area with a good view of the office. As you will be accessing non-work related stuff online for a good portion of your day you need to be able to keep an eye on things around you to ensure you do not get caught. Set up your shiny water bottle in a position that reflects the area behind you so a manager cannot creep up behind you whilst you are surveying “”.

Log into your computer – with a bit of luck this will take up to 10 minutes. There is your first piece of work related activity completed.

Once your presence is known you can then escape out of the office for your first coffee of the day. This should take anywhere between 30-45 minutes. You should find a nice little coffee place that is about 10 minutes walk from your office and dawdle down there, buy your coffee and dawdle back. If you don't drink coffee, that's fine. You will still need to purchase the coffee so you have the cup - pour out the coffee and replace it with warm water. It would help to also learn a little about the beaning process and coffee in general so if you are ever quizzed about excessive coffee breaks you can claim to be a coffee freak and bamboozle the interrogator with your obvious coffee knowledge and then claim that this particular place is the only one that makes decent coffee in the city. With a bit of luck they will agree with you so as not to seem ignorant to the ways of coffee and you now have someone to back up your claims.

Once back in the office it is time for your second piece of work for the day. You will want to sift through your work to find a particularly complex task. Once a suitably complex task has been located (this should take no more than 15 minutes) you should start cringing your face and cursing lightly under your breath - basically making a subtle but noticeable song and dance about how you always get the hard ones.

Please feel free, whilst making this song and dance, to otherwise engage yourself in some facebooking, reading this blog online, emailing people or any other activity that can be conducted at your computer. Be sure to type loudly to show your frustration. Once your distaste for this particular task is obvious to your colleagues you will then leave for your first smoke break of the day. This should take approximately half an hour and if questioned about your disappearance, summon a sheepish grin to your face, turn your head slightly to the side and state that you "needed two after the morning you have had".

You will notice now that your morning is nearly over and you have achieved no more than 25 minutes of working. You are well on your way to that dream of a 3.5 hour working week. You should now spend the rest of the morning tapping furiously at your keyboard and occasionally massaging your temples with your eyes closed (all the while facebooking, catching up on the latest celebrity scandals at new weekly online).

Lunch time is important. You want to duck off for lunch 5-10 mins early but be sure to get back on time. You have set yourself up for a nice easy run home now and don't want to ruin it with tardiness that will bring extra scrutiny upon yourself.
Once back from lunch (be sure to eat some breath mints to cover the smell of alcohol on the breath) grab your complex task and wander over to your boss to discuss. Start of the conversation about your work however be sure not to let this work type conversation to last for longer than 15 minutes. You want to steer the conversation around to something your boss is passionate about - football, fishing, skydiving, fashion. Whatever it is, make sure you are knowledgeable and up to date on the topic as well. Pretend you love it as much as your boss does. This works in your favour for two reasons - it endears you to your boss thus making you semm more of a valuable employee than you really are plus, if you work it right, you can get an hour or so in just talking to your boss about unrelated work matters.

Once the conversation is finished go back to your desk and start working on, what I like to call, the Penski file (so named after that great slacker george Costanza). It involves grabbing a folder (or just some blank sheets) and wandering aimlessly around the office. Be sure, though, to walk with purpose. The folder in your hand and your purposeful walking will make people believe that you are actually on your way to do something. You should take this time to wander around the office and perve on all the attractive people. Possibly even rate them all from most doable to least doable in your mind. You can also strike up a conversation with other like minded individuals around the office.

Working on the Penski file can take up a good part of your afternoon. Once you have established relationships with various people in all the far flung corners of the office you can really take your time getting around visiting each one. This is a great way to get through another hour and a half of your afternoon.

Once the Penski file has been updated you are then getting onto my favourite part of the day. The afternoon sabbatical.

The toilet is a vastly undervalued resource in an office. It is one of the last bastions of personal freedom where one can really be alone with their thoughts without fear of reprimand or prying eyes. Be sure to be seen by the boss before taking off for your afternoon sabbatical, then grab your phone and saddle up for a 45 minute solo journey. The smartphone is especially handy here. It allows you to keep in contact with the outside world and also works as an alarm to wake you from your slumber. NOTE - be careful when getting up. It is not uncommon for your legs to go to sleep in this situation and you don’t want anyone coming in to investigate what that thud in the toilet was and finding you on the ground with your pants around your ankles trying to get up.

This should just about see you through your "working" day. From here you will duck off for another smoke or two and surf the net some more. For those more adventurous amongst you who might like to duck off for a quick afternoon beer, that option is also available. Just be sure to walk past the boss's desk before leaving and upon return so it doesn't look as though you have gone anywhere. Possibly toss a compliment his way in the process.

If you look at the clock then that is only about 35 mins of actual work time completed. This allows for those other times when it might take you a little longer to get through certain tasks.

You will sometimes find there are unavoidable work related activities - long boring meetings for example. This is what sick days were made for. I would suggest attending the meetings as there is normally food there however make up for it by calling in sick the following day.

Aim to complete this day in day out and you have now been freed from the tyranny of the working week. Embrace your new life!