Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I have to admit, when it was first proposed by the sizzling Serbian amateur chef Sanja for a cross collaboration of efforts on my Blog with "Sanya's Sweet Somethings" my belly lit up. I'd just like to put it out there now that I am more than happy to review any and all food on my blog. Any amateur chefs out there, get out your long thing with the flat end, your frying thingamajibs and whatever else is required for cooking (please excuse my ignorance, my cooking utensils are restricted to a can opener, toaster and loads of baked beans) and I shall partake in whatever delicacy you may invent and give it a review on here for me, you and the fake follower I invented to make it look like people actually read the tripe I dribble.

The date for the tasting was set as February 14th. Valentine's Day. This date was set by Sanja as she was baking a lemon lime cheesecake for her father's birthday, which happened to conveniently coincide with Valentine’s Day.

I saw straight through Sanja's thinly veiled attempt to win over my heart via my stomach.

She would not be the first temptress, and I'm sure not the last, attempting to seduce me with a slow digestation of sweet, sensual, sugary delights.

Being the glutton that I am however, I embraced the opportunity for this cheesecake with open arms and mouth. After starving myself on Monday morning in preparation for my morning tea I arrived to work only to find the tasting had been postponed.

Not a good start.

Apparently Sanja was reluctant to cut the cake before her father had been able to sample it for his "birthday". Excellent ruse and full credit goes to her for coming up with this cunning strategy to try and further hide the ulterior motive lurking behind the gesture however I, once again, saw straight through this ruse.

I had no option to delay my tasting until Tuesday. Let me just say now, it was worth the wait. The smell of lemon wafting through my nostrils was extremely tantalising and my goodness the look was delicious.

The cake also smelled and looked good.

My first bite had me forgetting for the moment the reason I was getting to eat cake. In fact, I almost forgot my own name as the sweet lemon lime cheesecake mixed so perfectly with the crumble base as it danced around my tastebuds.

Each ingredient complemented the other perfectly without trying to be the centre of attention itself.

The second bite was almost better than the first and I started to move more and more of the cake into my mouth. I couldn’t get it in fast enough; crumbs flew about my desk and infiltrated my keyboard (where they still sit). A large dollop of cake escaped from my gnashing jaws and landed serenely on the front of my freshly washed white work shirt but I didn't care. More and more of the cake I ate and savoured until there was but one bite left. It was at this point I looked up, a little flustered and breathing somewhat heavily, cheesecake plastered around my mouth and a small bit of drool languishing slyly from the side of my mouth, to find all eyes in the office upon me.

I retrieved my fork from the floor where it had landed during my flurry, ate the final piece politely, dabbed at the sides of my mouth with a tissue and excused myself as I retreated to the bathroom to clean myself up.

I returned an hour later, quite composed, thanked Sanja for the cheesecake and returned her Tupperware.

I could see she wanted a response so I thought it only fair to inform her that I saw through her ruse the entire time and, initially at least, was selfishly using her for free cheesecake. I also told her how something had happened to me at some point between the 2nd and 3rd bite that I had never felt before. It was love. True love that no man can deny. I had fallen head over heels for her cheesecake and I would make her wildest dreams come true by marrying her, only if she promised to make me at least one cheesecake every week, for the rest of her life.

I could see by the look in her eyes she was taken aback by the frank and beautiful opening up of my heart. It was a lot for her to take in, what with the man of her dreams offering to marry her and all, so I gave her some time to process this momentous moment in her young life and returned to my desk.

The love story of this entry is not over yet - we are currently in couples counselling. Well that is to say I am currently taking a forced leave of absence from work and undergoing counselling after mediation with Sanja and our HR manager at work deemed me to be "delusional" and a "possible safety risk to others". Pfft. Who isn't I say!

Whilst my cheesecake and I are going through our problems you can attempt to bake this cheesecake that has made me delusionally happy at http://sanyasweetsomethings.blogspot.com/

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 7 - Lessons Learned

I did it. 7 Full days without Facebook. I have a delicious steak dinner and a back scratch coming my way.

Although I do like to joke about my facebook usage I never realised just how much I am actually on facebook until I couldn't go on it anymore. My fingers continually tried to thwart my efforts by typing in facebook without my express consent however I was luckily able to stop them before they logged me in.

My one and only weakness was targeted too with promises of boob shots in my inbox when I logged in. These turned out to be false and hurtful lies. There have been many things done in my life in the aid of and promise to see boobs however I again resisted the urge and finished victorious.

So what did I learn in my time sans facebook?

 - Status updates only work as status updates. Walking around telling people random thoughts or song lyrics will get you looked at strangely

 - Stalking is fine in facebook but will get you arrested in real life

 - I am completely addicted to facebook

 - It's alot easier to make friends on facebook than in real life

 - It's a lot easier to de-friend someone on facebook than real life

 - Without facebook my phone bill skyrockets

 - I could live without facebook but not without porn

 - Facebook takes up the vast majority of my working day

 - I facebook therefore I am

 - I will do anything for a steak and a backscratch

 - Work is nowhere near as busy as I thought it was when using facebook

 - I am not alone in my addiction

 - People really don't care whether I'm on facebook or not

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 5 - Reconnecting

Ahhhhh, such a lovely day. Seeing as though my normal routine of getting up, eating some breakfast whilst poring over facebook, updating my status and going through other peoples photos wasn't allowed, I decided it was time I got back into life and reconnected with the world outside.

So I went and purchased a street map, binoculars grabbed my camera and some post it notes and embarked on my quest to do some real life facebooking.

Heading down the street there was a couple in front of me blissfully walking hand in hand. I took a photo of each of them then wrote onto two of my post it notes "in a relationship" and secretly pasted the post it notes onto their bags.

Ahhhhh, what a relief, my first bit of facebooking in almost a week. The sweet rush of my first real life facebook did not last long however and I soon found myself needing another hit when bingo! I was sitting at a cafe eating my breakfast when the fellow on the table next to me made a pretty funny comment about the current state of the NSW government. Quick as a flash I had my post it note out where I wrote "Like" in big bold letters followed by a crude depiction of a thumbs up, popped it down on their table and promptly exited the building. Another win!

I could feel the previously suppressed dark grip of addiction working its way back inside me once again and I needed more more more! This newsfeeding business was no longer enough. I needed some photos and stalking so I made my way to a girls place of whom I had become recently acquainted and sat out the front with my street map, binoculars and camera.

Leering through my binoculars I was able to determine she was indeed home and checked her into this location with my street map. Half an hour later she exited and, to my great delight, hit the beach. After checking her into this location on my street map I set about facestalking the rest of the bronzed bodies on the stretch of sand and taking photos. As I did not know their real names I had to settle for mentally tagging them in their photos.

I was just tagging and filing away "Bottle blonde with fakies" next to “fat guy with lots of money” when I noticed a solitary figure sitting by herself crying. It was the young lass from earlier in the day that had previously been so blissfully happy as she strode hand in hand with her young boyfriend. It was obvious the relationship was no more so, in true facebook fashion, I set about trying to take full advantage of the situation.

Armed only with my post it notes and a texta I ventured over to the young lass and place and placed an "it's complicated" post it on her towel.

"Are you alright?" I offered.

"Yes" came the meek reply between howling sobs.

It was clear this situation was more than just complicated and felt I had to update this so I placed a "moved from It's complicated to single" post it and sat myself down ready to make my move.

It was at this point I found myself surrounded by a sea of blue uniforms. Apparently the girl I had been face/real life stalking didn't appreciate my efforts. The police were rather concerned about the photos they had found on my camera and the fact I had tracked and marked this girl's movements in a street map that I had no good reason for carrying.

"John just checked into Waverly Police Station"

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 2 & 3 - Your invading MySpace

Days 2 & 3 of my 7 day facebook free journey were much the same as the first. A few shakes upon wakening, many near logins throughout the day thanks to, what I describe as, manual finger dext-memory, some more threats and temptations from the instigator but thankfully no breaks in the challenge.

I have found I have been using my phone an inordinate amount - for someone who does not normally exceed his monthly $150 limit I have gone through almost a third of that in 3 days, mainly on texts.

At one point on Friday I thought I may try to fallback onto my first foray into the social networking scene by going back to MySpace. After a few attempts at trying to remember my logins and answering some secret questions I found myself connected once more to the outside world.

Sort of.

MySpace may have been around first however it has certainly not kicked on and it has amended itself to try and be more like facebook now. Reminds me of some brothers I went to school with. The older one was somewhat of a goose, very awkward and unlikable without many friends whilst the younger brother was a pretty cool guy doing mostly normal stuff. The big bro at times even tried attempting to be like him. It didn't work then and it hasn't worked for MySpace.

So my facebook craving went unfulfilled although I have found it is easier getting by without now. Baby steps, one day at a time. Each day I remain clean from the object of my addiction is a victory.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day One

If gaming is the heroin of cyber space then facebook is the cocaine. Fun, trendy, readily available, you need a fix every half an hour and while you are on it you feel that everything that comes out of your mouth is of the utmost importance to the world.

My first day without facebook has been, well, tough. I awoke with the shakes as I fought the withdrawal symptoms. Logging into my work computer in the morning my fingers automatically typed in facebook. Only through the grace of God did I avert catastrophe and not log in.

I feel strangely disconnected from the world. Where is everyone?? What are you all doing and thinking?? I want to know who is sitting on their lounge eating Doritos, who is getting a drink, who is scratching their ass. Has anyone got engaged or broken up?

There was one point throughout the day I had dealings with a client who had a sexy phone voice so, as per my usual modus operandi, I again turned to facebook to look her up. Again, I remembered at the last minute and avoided logging in. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

On top of the normal withdrawals and cravings I was also advised by the evil person who instigated this facebook abandonment in the first place that people had posted on my wall offers of pictures of boobs if I broke and came back online. Whether this is true or not is not the point, the point is my one weakness is known. Boobs are my kryptonite!!

On a plus side I did manage to get through an inordinate amount of work and read the entire news.com.au site over twice.

I’m off to bed now to avoid further pangs of withdrawal as my body finds it has no facebook left inside it and really starts to shut down.

Does anyone know of where I can perhaps purchase a facebook patch I could wear on my shoulder or even where I could hire a troupe of dancers dressed in 70's squash outfits to follow me around singing "No Bailey, no. No Bailey, no. Nooooooooo Bailey"?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Challenge

Mark the date 2/2/2011 in your calander as it is the day the great social networking phenomenon facebook was almost brought to its knees as its most popular member embarked on a challenge of titanical proportions. Years from now this day will still burn brightly in your memory.

Starting midnight 2/2/2011 I am not allowed to login to facebook, nor am I able to have someone log in for me. I am not allowed to have someone change my password on me so I can't login, I have to use my willpower to abstain from logging in. A certain person can phone me at any point and I have to listen to her chatting to her friends on facebook or she can torture me by hinting at things that may or may not be on my wall and require instant attention. This continues for 7 days. 168 hours. 10080 minutes. 604,800 seconds.

Not hard you may say? Well for someone who is almost constantly on facebook and whose fingers will often, of their own accord, type in facebook rather than the site I actually want to go to, this is a real challenge.

Why did I agree to this stupid wager? I'm not going to know what to do with myself - I am going to have to engage in actual conversations again. Maybe ring people instead of facebooking them. I know one thing for sure - stocks in internet porn are about to go up. If I have a random thought I am going to have to ring 50 people up to tell them. Thank god for the text to many option on phones these days so I can fill you all in when I remember a funny line from a movie.

As for stalking, well I bought myself a new zoom lens and some infra red binoculars last night though I am a little afraid that once I start real stalking, facestalking just isn't going to cut it anymore. Prior to facebook I would never have thought of stalking through someone's photos, now I do it all the time. What if the same thing happens? What if I find that, instead of looking through a photo album titled "beach" for some bikini shots, I need to rifle through undies draws. Instead of perusing an album called "new hair do" I need to carry around scissors to snip and sniff the real stuff?

Only time (at the time of writing this exactly 9,578 minutes) will tell.

So what do I get out of this, if successful? A nice steak meal and the world's longest backscratch that is sure to have me purring like a walrus. Fair deal? I'm not so sure.

So I bid fare the well to my few faithful facebook followers. I shall see you in 9,577 minutes (although I shall endeavour to update daily as to my progress).

Also, please leave comments on here rather than facebook to allow me the illusion of friends and connectivity.