The art of the pick up

It has come to my attention that many males seem to have trouble initiating conversation with women and picking them up. I have never understood this. I guess being born with perfect genetics allows one a certain amount of confidence that is not present with other "normal" people however it does not just come down to my good looks and perfect bone structure.

Being the benevolent soul that I am, I thought I might share with you some of my finer points in this.

Please note this guide is intended for use in clubs and pubs however the same principles will apply no matter where you are, supermarkets, laundromats, a co-ed dorm pillow fight etc.....

The first thing you need to do, once you have spied the object of your affection, is to gain their attention. This can be done a number of ways, the more traditional of which being to approach them to start a conversation. Boring! No one wants to be traditional in the mating game - you need to set yourself apart from the pack.

One of my favourite methods to accomplish this is via "Peacocking". Much like the male peacock will use his feathers and dance to attract the female peacock's attention, so should you . Find some bright clothing, preferably a light blue or canary yellow suit along with some peacock feathers protruding from the matching pork pie hat. When in the near vicinity of the object of desire, start laughing loudly and then pretend to fall over allowing hundred dollar notes to fall out of your pocket and onto the floor (note if you do not have access to a number of $100 notes then photocopy one in colour and do this numerous times). This will certainly get their attention and let them know you mean business.

So now you have their attention, what is the next step? You need to engage them in conversation idiot. Seriously, what a stupid question. Remember you want to stand out from all the others that are hitting on what is rightfully yours so rather than starting out with a mundane "Hi, how are you?" you will want to break the ice with a witty one liner. I can't give away all my goods however one of my favourites is "Would you like to come back to my place for some coffee and some sex?". The beauty of this line is either she will often accept (well sometimes accept) and you are already in (well so far none have accepted but it will happen) or they will set you up for the joke by saying "No" to which you will reply "What? Don't you like coffee?".

Please note it is very important when saying this to look the female up and down heavily, pausing and staring obviously at their cleavage and lick your lips. This will let them know you are interested and it is really very flattering for them.

Now, the most common response to the above line is a slap across the face. This is when you know you are in. Other sure fire methods of knowing you are in is if they throw their drink at you, call you a name or call over their "boyfriend". The thing to remember here is the female mind is a complex and fragile thing that has been wired for certain subservient duties such as cooking and cleaning, hence their response is not measured, logical or tied to their actual thoughts. Trust me, they are into you, this happens to me all the time and with a face like mine, how could they not?

So you have broken the ice, now comes the easy part, reeling them in. As mentioned above, women are wired in a strange way. Tell them how you have a sweet pad in your mothers basement where you have a lock for the door and everything and invite her back there for a sherry from your mother's own collection. She will love this, it shows you value family. You may find though she has turned her head to ignore you. Again, she is just playing hard to get and wants to see that you really want it. It's merely a test. Do not be above grovelling, even cry if you have to. This is all a negotiation, you start at inviting her back, she ignores you, you counter offer with some grovelling, she ignores you some more, you get on your knees crying, she can see how serious you are so she will normally give you her number.

Just like Charlie Sheen you are now WINNING!!!!

Score one for yourself. Now this is a numbers game and the hooters, excuse the pun, haven't sounded as yet. You will need to go round and repeat the above as many times as possible in one night. Once you get home you can start sifting through the various numbers you have. Do not wait to call, call straight away.  This will allow you to get a head start on anyone else she has met that night as well as sift through any false numbers you may have been given.......sometimes, on the rarest of occasions you will find that the females, due to their aforementioned inferior wiring, will like to continue playing hard to get by giving out false names and numbers.........OK, so you may find ALL the women have given you false names and numbers as they wish to continue playing hard to get, this is again part of their play to reel you in. At this point you may need to start facebook, myspace and google stalking but that is a different edition suffice to say you will need to invest in a good pair of binoculars

Now there you have it, my lacklustre readers, you are now a chick magnet (albeit genetically inferior). Use this guide and the world is your (bearded) oyster.